how much does it take for one person to keep accepting responsibility and keep saying sorry for things they believe they didn't do wrong before they crack?  how much should you give before you give up and lose hope that there is no compromise, no understanding but only constant misunderstanding? 

again, trying to cover all my bases and keep to my promise, i have ended up stepping on glass that have come back and cut me up.  everything i do, feel, think, or try to do to avoid arguments or give a reason for somebody to slap me in the face and tell me it's my fault and apologize...once again...backfired. 

should i just give up and let it fizzle out? or keep expressing how i feel (eventho it's getting me slapped in the face all the time) until some of my feelings are heard or even trickles thru the thick wall i am dealing with?! i'm so tired...sooooo sooooo tired...

is life not complicated enough that everything little thing is like i'm doing something wrong? what more is wanted from me? i really don't know....however much my friend has told me to take a breath, sit down and think about it before making rash decisions...i feel like once again i'm having a meltdown...unable to eat, unable to breathe and unable to stop making emotionally charged decisions.  i have tried to be rational and logical this way around and not so emotional but it proved to me that this tact also does not work...is it because the other player is making me feel like i've hit a wall? making me feel like everything is my fault and as long as i apologize, things will be ok? why does everything have to come back and bite me in the ass EVEN if i have done nothing wrong? 

is simply just wanting to be with that person not enough? just wanting to hear that person's voice not enough?

......what....more....is....wanted.....from....me?

so lately i've been feeling ho-hum about everything in life...maybe it's due to my sister's upcoming wedding (in like a week!! eeek ) but maybe it's stress or just some stuff not going right in life...i just can't bring myself to muster up energy to do anything or be excited about anything.  tried setting up hangouts with the bf..but whenever i ask him if he's free...he sounds so non-commital or forced into hanging out with me.  he just makes me feel so annoying...like if i don't ask him what he's doing i won't know anything...isn't a relationship 2 ways?    guess some people are more into the sharing (say me) and others just need to be poked and prodded until both people are annoyed (say him)...

this is just making me start to give up on the whole thing and see how the whole thing will pan out.  if both people put no effort into doing anything..then what is left? an empty shell? to be fair...when we do hangout we have our laughs and cuddles...and that's great...but the trying to get him to hangout part is the big bump in the road.  oh well, good thing the rest of the wedding party is in town next week and that will keep me busy...